Fresh words.

See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land (Song of Solomon 2:11-12). 

So.. here's what's been going on with me as of late:


I have an incredible job doing what I am passionate about. Not only do I work at a day care (I LOVE little kids - they stir the deepest emotions of my heart), but I work in the infant room, every day. I get to hold the babies, and cuddle with them, rock them, feed them, and just sing to them every day! I could not have asked for a better job, and I mean that with all of my heart.


I am still in school - I have three more years to go, assuming that I graduate on time and all that good stuff. As much as I really despise, hate even, going to school, I do realize that the Lord has blessed me immensely. He has provided a way for me to go to school without paying a single thing; I even get six hundred or more dollars back every quarter. I don't say this to brag, that's not my intention at all. Sometimes I just have to remind myself that I do have it pretty good here, and that a lot of people don't have this kind of an opportunity placed so freely in front of them. So for thank, I must thank the Lord immensely. 


I'm also still living at home. I'm so not excited about that part, but the good news is that because of it, I was recently able to purchase a brand new 2012 car! Woohoo! His name is Benjamyn if you ever feel like saying hello ;). 


Those are all of the fun things that have been going on. Here's a few things on my prayer list, if you're interested:

• I'm currently searching for a new church to attend. I just feel like my old one has grown stagnant, and I am craving the life and community that we had at Walkabout. I know I probably won't find anything exactly like that, but I know that there is more out there than I am seeing right now.
• I am also putting feelers out there, seeking the possibility of transferring to a new school, preferably one a little farther Northeast.. which brings me to my next point. 
• Having a long-distance relationship is hard. Really hard. This is probably the biggest prayer I'm praying right now. I'm seeking new opportunities to spend time with Kyler, to be closer to him. 
• Finally, I'm praying for real friendship here. I have one friend here. That's it. One friend who knows me, who cares how I'm doing, who loves me unconditionally. And I do the same for her. But again, I am craving that community. I want real relationships with people who love the Lord. 

That's all for now. Hopefully I'll write again soon with a better blog! 

Childlike Faith.

We had to write a tiny, 500 word essay in one of my classes about something we believe in. If you've ever read the book This I Believe, then you'll understand what I mean when I say it was modeled after the essays in that book. 
Obviously, I believe in God, and I could write my whole life and never stop if I wrote about Him. I certainly couldn't fit it all in five hundred words. So, I decided to write about my belief in childlike faith. If you wish to read it, here's what I wrote:

Faith Like a Child

Over the course of the last year-and-a-half of my life, the Lord has taken me on an incredible journey of faith.

After graduating high school, I attended a summer church camp with my youth group in south Texas. One of my counselors kept in touch with me the rest of the summer and constantly urged me to apply for a nine-month long discipleship program that the camp holds throughout the non-summer months. I applied for the program and went through all of the steps without even considering how I was going to pay for it – I call that childlike faith. Inevitably, I could not afford it, and I thought I would not be able to go. I prayed a lot that God would provide the money somehow, and one week before the program started, the director called me and told me that the camp would be paying for my entire tuition.

While I was still in the program, the opportunity of a lifetime presented itself to me. The director told us that a group from California was offering to let us participate in their annual trip to Israel the next summer. That was great news, and I was so excited about the trip; however, the trip cost a total of four thousand dollars. Three of my peers were the only ones who were able to afford this trip, so they were the only ones who even signed up to go besides me. I signed up without even thinking about how I would not be able to pay my way - there is that childlike faith again. I prayed fervently, asking God to somehow provide the money and send me to Israel because I just knew deep down that I was supposed to be there. Not only did I pray, but I prayed in faith because I just knew that God would come through. I felt a lot of resistance at first, but after praying and begging for several months, after having so many doors slammed in my face, and after falling on my knees and completely surrendering it all to the Lord, He finally gave me an answer: a resounding, “Yes.”

I got three large donations from some completely random sources. My parents and I collectively came up with one thousand dollars, one of my friends randomly gave me a thousand dollars, the father of one of my peers gave me a thousand dollars, and an anonymous individual in California gave me a thousand dollars! Needless to say, the Lord paid my way to Israel, and incredible, life-changing events happened there. I received freedom and healing while I was in the Lord’s land. I even got baptized in the Jordan River – the same river that my Savior was baptized in! God definitely wanted me on that trip, and He proved it to me in a million ways.

Right now, I am asking God to send me to London to study abroad this coming summer. I am asking in faith because I have learned that faith is the key to my Life.  I believe in the power and freedom of childlike faith.

My heart is too big.

Sometimes, people can be just down-right mean.

The other day in my history class, one girl was just an absolute witch. It was the last meeting before our big exam, and the teacher started the class off by saying, “We have an exam planned for Friday, but it is possible to move it to Monday. At the end of class, we will take a vote to see whether we will take the exam on Monday or Friday. Also, remember that no matter how few or how many notes we take, the exam will only cover information that we have gone over.” Now, logically, wouldn’t you want to take as few notes that day as possible so that you had less information to study for the exam? Yea, me too.

Well, there is this one guy in my class who always asks questions. Yea, sometimes it's annoying, but 99% of the time, I am so thankful that he asks questions because they are questions that I secretly want to know the answer to!

Okay, so there’s also this girl in my class who sits in the row right in front of me (we have assigned seats), and every time that the guy asks a question, she glances back at the people in my row, and she rolls her eyes and sighs very loudly. On this particular day, after the guy had asked about a thousand questions, she raised her hand and very loudly exclaims, “As lovely as these questions are, for those of us who want to take the exam on Friday, could you please stop asking questions?” She called him out, very rudely, in front of about a hundred people. Rude. I wanted to punch her in her face.

The point of this blog was not primarily to vent about her, although sometimes it does feel good to vent, but I just felt sooo bad for that guy. He immediately shut up and didn’t ask another question for the rest of class. I am afraid that this girl has squelched something oh-so valuable in him. I am afraid that he will never ask a question again. It’s because of people like her that other people have low self-esteem! Come on! Geez. I am going to find this guy and tell him that I appreciate him and his questions because I just really really don’t want him to never voice his thoughts/opinions/questions.

My heart hurts for him, and I would appreciate it if someone would slap me in my face if I am ever extremely rude to someone.

My Chains are Gone!

          As you may know, I have just spent the last ten days in Israel, in God’s Holy Land! It would take me months to describe in detail just how much this trip has changed me, and even then, no one would probably know exactly how I am feeling. But one thing I just can’t get over is the fact that I have found freedom! True, absolute freedom that only the Lord can provide.

          

          Over the course of the last few months, Kyler (my boyfriend) has been praying relentlessly that his love for me would somehow just lead me to the Cross, that I would accept and receive the love that God has for me, and that I would just live in His love and freedom. One day when we were hiking one of our big hikes, our group split into two smaller groups. One group continued hiking to a farther destination, and the other group – the group that I was in – stayed at the bottom and waited for the first group to return. While we were waiting, I had a chance to just be by myself with God and pray. I was thinking about how much Kyler loves me and how much he does for me. All of a sudden, no joke, I just got hit by an overwhelming amount of peace, and I realized that God loves me so much more than Kyler does! He loves me unconditionally, and He will never stop loving me. I finally was able to not only be aware of His love, but to accept it and receive it! It was an incredibly defining moment for me as a Believer. I hope I never forget that moment.

          

          Two days later, I got the opportunity of a lifetime: to be baptized in the Jordan River, the same exact river that my Lord and Savior was baptized in! Several other people in our group got baptized as well, and they all gave short little testimonies before they went under. I was fully intending on NOT giving any sort of testimony; I was just going to get in the water, let Jason (the guy who baptized me) say a few words, and get dunked. But when it came my turn to hop in the water, I turned and faced all of those wonderful people – people I didn’t even know – and I gave a small but powerful testimony. When I shared that little snippet of my story, I literally felt the freedom that God has been trying for so long to get me to understand. I got told later by some of my friends that they could see the freedom written all over my face. I will absolutely never forget that moment.

          

          I am so incredibly grateful that I was chosen to go on this trip by God Himself. His fingerprints were all over this trip from the beginning. Thank You, God. I love You, Lord!

          

My chains are gone! I have been set free. :)

Make a Statement, God.

I am so done with being passive about my faith. It is beyond time for me to start being active in my faith. I’m not really sure what that entails, and I’m not entirely sure how to go about it, but I know that I want to. I am desperately craving to know my Lord more and more each day, and I want to pursue Him with all I have.

But wanting to do something never actually gets things done. I have to do something. But what?

The only thing I can think of at the moment is the trip to Israel this summer. Yea, yea, I know everyone is probably sick of hearing me talk about Israel. But hear me out. As you may know, I don’t have the money to go on this trip. And my parents don’t really have the money, either. I so desperately want to go on this trip. I want to walk and explore the land that my Savior lived and died for me in! I have prayed and prayed and begged for God to provide for this trip. And God is faithful. He has provided nearly $2,000 from two anonymous sources. Two people that don’t even know me are willing to pay for some of my trip! How crazy is that? And by the time that the Israel trip rolls around, I will have earned approximately $800 dollars. But that still leaves me with about $1,000 to somehow raise for the trip. Today, I thought my fight was over for this trip. I thought that I was going to be forced to give up and just not go to Israel. I mean, where in the world am I going to find another thousand dollars?

But something inside of me refuses to let this be the end. I mean, it’s completely one hundred percent possible that it is just not meant for me to go on this trip. But I have a really hard time believing that God would provide this much to just let me down so close to the goal. I have been praying for God to basically perform a miracle and to just provide the money in a huge, crazy, ridiculous way. And I know that He can do it. He’s God, for crying out loud. He can do anything! I just want Him to make a statement about Himself through my life. And yea, this is the perfect opportunity for Him to do that. Maybe it could even help other people, as well as myself, to learn to have patience and to have faith that God will provide – even if it doesn’t make sense the way He’s doing it. But then again, God doesn’t ever really make sense. If He were predictable, He wouldn’t be nearly as enticing or effective as my God and Savior.

So yea, I guess I just wanted to get this out there for someone, anyone, to read. Maybe it will make a difference somewhere, somehow, for someone.

Dear Lord,

I know that You know what’s best for me. And I know that You know whether I should or shouldn’t go on this trip to Israel this summer. But I also know that I have a strong desire to learn more about You and to walk where You walked. I believe that my travels in Israel and my stories from there can and will make a difference in somebody’s life. And maybe You can bring new people to Your Kingdom through me. God, please just go big or go home. Make a statement about Yourself in my life. Maybe if the money comes together for this trip, a few people, especially my family, will stop doubting what You can do. Maybe even I will stop doubting what You can do. God, we have made You too small, and we have put You in a box. Or at least I have. Shatter everything we think we know about You, and show us who You really are.

God, I ask all these things in Your precious Son’s Holy name.

Amen.

Moving on.

One thing I have learned in my short time (two days) of being home is that I don’t belong here anymore.

I mean, I still belong with my family, and I probably will always belong in my house. But this town has nothing to offer me anymore. I literally drove around for two hours yesterday, searching for something to do or someone influential (in a good way) to hang out with. But there were no options. So I went to my church, looking for my youth minister, and when I walked in the door, no one recognized me. I’ll admit, it’s kind of heartbreaking when your own people don’t even recognize you anymore, especially when they don’t even care to recognize you anymore. It’s time for me to move on. Away from this place. Away from these people. Toward a new destination and a new family. Any hope I had of “the old days” returning have been vanquished, which is probably a good thing. Most of my old friends even seem to not want anything to do with me. This means that I’m definitely not the same person I was when I left here four months ago. But I already knew that. I can feel the changes inside of me, in my heart and in my mind. I don’t think the same way I used to. I think more clearly now, and in a way that is probably healthier to us all. Even my old friends have pointed out that I’m not the same person they once knew. That makes me wonder, though, who did they know? Who did they think I was? And who am I now? 

Do I even have an identity?

My answer is yes. I’m not sure exactly what my identity is, but I know that I have one. My identity is in Christ, and He will reveal it to me slowly over time. In His own time. He’s already revealed some of it to me. But I’m not going to reveal that to you just yet because most of it is super personal stuff that I only feel comfortable with myself knowing. But anyways.

How do I even begin to move on from my old life?

Being at camp is probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Ever. The people there, my new family, are sincere people. They really care about each other and what’s going on in everyone’s lives. We get filled with joy when one of our peers is filled with joy. We cry when one of our peers cries. We love each other. And I love that. 

So, to them, I say thank you.