One thing I have learned in my short time (two days) of being home is that I don’t belong here anymore.
I mean, I still belong with my family, and I probably will always belong in my house. But this town has nothing to offer me anymore. I literally drove around for two hours yesterday, searching for something to do or someone influential (in a good way) to hang out with. But there were no options. So I went to my church, looking for my youth minister, and when I walked in the door, no one recognized me. I’ll admit, it’s kind of heartbreaking when your own people don’t even recognize you anymore, especially when they don’t even care to recognize you anymore. It’s time for me to move on. Away from this place. Away from these people. Toward a new destination and a new family. Any hope I had of “the old days” returning have been vanquished, which is probably a good thing. Most of my old friends even seem to not want anything to do with me. This means that I’m definitely not the same person I was when I left here four months ago. But I already knew that. I can feel the changes inside of me, in my heart and in my mind. I don’t think the same way I used to. I think more clearly now, and in a way that is probably healthier to us all. Even my old friends have pointed out that I’m not the same person they once knew. That makes me wonder, though, who did they know? Who did they think I was? And who am I now?
Do I even have an identity?
My answer is yes. I’m not sure exactly what my identity is, but I know that I have one. My identity is in Christ, and He will reveal it to me slowly over time. In His own time. He’s already revealed some of it to me. But I’m not going to reveal that to you just yet because most of it is super personal stuff that I only feel comfortable with myself knowing. But anyways.
How do I even begin to move on from my old life?
Being at camp is probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Ever. The people there, my new family, are sincere people. They really care about each other and what’s going on in everyone’s lives. We get filled with joy when one of our peers is filled with joy. We cry when one of our peers cries. We love each other. And I love that.
So, to them, I say thank you.
Phyllis Lynn Wheelis,
ReplyDeleteI love you. Tears are streaming down my face right now! I know exactly every single feeling that you are feeling right now, because they are the same ones I have! I wouldn't trade the opportunity we have at Camp Eagle for a single thing. I wouldn't trade the friendships we have for a single thing. And I wouldn't change having my identity in Christ for a single thing. I found myself driving around town for hours too...with nothing to do, because my friends don't know who I am, and I don't want to do the things they're out doing. I did the same thing yesterday...I went to my church and saw my youth pastor! The church secretary, asked me the strangest questions about what I was doing. Of all people, I would have expected her to know what Walkabout was all about. I mean, after all, I wrote an entire letter explaining it all to my church family, my work, and every friend I had! But still, they ask me questions and fumble for the right words. Every person at the daycare I worked at for 3 1/2 years asked me weird questions too, almost like they didn't know who I was either. I'm learning more and more that while we are supposed to care for those in the world, we don't belong to the world, and we don't have to live to conform to the world! Thanks for sharing your heart Finn, I think it's exactly what I needed to hear. I needed to know someone else was experiencing the same thing as me! I'm moving on too...we can do it together. :) See you soon!
-BAM